Thanks For Playing “Big Ink”

A lot of you know that I am “in graduate school” and have been “working on a thesis.” What you may not know — and I am now legally required to tell you — is that the project isn’t actually in the Journalism School at the University of Colorado. In fact, it has next to nothing to do with journalism or politics or culture (whatever I put up under that header last year). “Big Ink” was essentially a tool that we used. The project, to be perfectly frank, was you.

Although I write under the name you’re familiar with, I am actually an associate project manager with ILPRA, a federal research center attached to the DoD that focuses on Internet learning behaviors and privacy regression data. The Department wants to know how various sectors of the public use the Web and how they negotiate privacy in different virtual environments. A number of social groups have been studied; I was assigned certain socio-economic parameters and designed target content that would attract and maintain a micro-community suitable for surveillance. The model is actually an important piece of national Internet security policy. For example, if we can figure out how radical Islamicists use social networking tools, we might be able to stop the suitcase nuke that is otherwise going to contaminate LA or Chicago. (Not to worry, though; the terrorists won’t read this; the site is no longer accessible to the public; only you who have been here before or people you refer to the site can see it.)

I do regret having to lose some of the relationships I created with you all as the character I have built up over the last two years. But you can see that there is no wiggle room between credible communication and terrorism. So let me explain what we’ve been doing. (You will all be contacted later today about debriefing interviews.)

Since you first logged on at Big Ink, we have been tracking your use of the Internet through the Forensic Orthagonal Log Operator system. It’s a bit of a fancy name, but it basically functions like a three-dimensional, real-time record of all your Internet usage–you can think of it as a “super cookie”. Through passwords and behavioral pattern recognition the system can “jump” to other computers you use. Essentially, if you have ever visited this site (or if you are visiting it now for the first time), your entire Internet experience is being downloaded, recorded, stored and analyzed. We understand you may have concerns about privacy. The project was authorized as part of the PATRIOT ACT renewal legislation and has been covered by a presidential signing statement. Ultimately, participation is non-optional, but safeguards are in place to prevent tampering with the database. Merely having a record of every keystroke and click that an individual has made on their own (or any other) computer doesn’t mean that every department can simply review those records. To do that the FBI, the IRS and other similar agencies need to get permission from a three-judge panel that is appointed by the Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court, so don’t worry.

I apologize for misleading the readers of this blog over the last two years. I hope that you understand your participation is part of a much larger effort to combat the enemies that would threaten our sacred way of life. I should probably identify myself: my real name is Curtis Cortland, I’m 34, I’m married to a beautiful woman and I live outside Phoenix. I appreciate that several of you said I looked quite young (my profile was actually constructed for another fellow who had to bail out at the last minute due to some unfortunate physical side effects of the previous project he was working on).

I would like to thank you again for your participation and for serving your government as we find better ways to protect you and the sacred ideals of democracy. I am confident that the ILPRA FOLO project will have a significant positive affect on your life and I, along with the president, encourage you to remain vigilant and go shopping.

Best regards,

Curtis

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